Truth, Lies, and the Best Song of the Eighties

"love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes"

Joking references to John Cusack holding the boombox over his head in "Say Anything" aside, I think this song by Peter Gabriel is the most eloquent, touching, and powerful love song ever written. To me, it encapsulates how we feel when we truly love someone, why we work so hard to find and keep that kind of love, and why it hurts so much when love ends (for whatever reason). It perfectly describes the deep-seated need in all of us to have one special person we can be vulnerable with, and who will let us in, let us "touch the light, the heat" we see in their eyes.

As I was listening to this song the other day, something occurred to me: I've been lying to myself. When I decided I was ready to start dating again, I told myself that all I wanted was to meet people, go out, and have fun. I convinced myself that I didn't want anything more than that - after all, I've never really had a period in my life where I just "had fun" going out. I was always either in a relationship with someone, or alone. I told myself that I was completely okay with meeting someone, liking them, but just "dating" them with no intentions of moving in a more serious direction for who knew how long.

Well, I did meet someone, I did start to like them, and even though I knew it was nothing exclusive or serious, got hurt a little anyway when he turned out to be not who he said he was.

And then Peter Gabriel had to come along and slap me upside the head with his awesomeness. If I really didn't care, if in my heart of hearts I wasn't secretly wishing for the connection that is the "resolution to all the fruitless searches", then why was I upset when this guy dropped me like a hot potato to be with someone else? Hmmm... I guess I am just not wired to be one of those people who can "go out" with several different people at a time and not be serious about any of them. I'm not wired to "have fun" (okay that sounds bad, but if you've read this far without gagging yourself you get my meaning) but to want closeness, to want intimacy, to want exclusivity with someone. I finally understood that that is why, all my adult life, I've either been in a serious relationship or alone. For me, there's no in-between.

That's not to say that as soon as I meet someone, I'm picking out china patterns. Just that whenever I've dated someone I could usually tell early on if he was someone I wanted to get more serious about. And the ones I didn't feel that way towards, I stopped seeing, because in my mind what was the point of continuing?

So it feels good to stop trying to convince myself that I want something I really don't. And to not settle for less than I (and my children) deserve. Thanks for the unintended moment of clarity, Peter Gabriel. You rock, and you always will.

44 Things

44 ODD Things about you!
Learn 44 things about your friends, and let them learn 44 things about
you!

1. Do you like blue cheese? Love it
2. Have you ever been drunk? Yes
3. Do you own a gun? Duh, I'm from Texas - YES
4. What flavor of Kool Aid was your favorite? Never really liked Kool Aid
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? No
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Kind of gross and kind of good at the same time
7. Favorite Christmas movie? A Christmas Story
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee
9. Can you do push ups? Yes
10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My rings with Tyler & Sydney's birthstones in them
11. Favorite hobby? crochet
12. Do you have A.D.D.? Sometimes I think so
13. What's your favorite shoe? high heels, even though most of them hurt my feet; Converse All Star high tops are a close second
14. Middle name? Kathleen
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? I've got to pick up the girls in 45 minutes; I wonder what movie is next on my Netflix list; can't wait to go to karate tonight
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Coffee, diet soda, any flavor Naked juice
17. Current worry? whether I'm being lied to/played
18. Current hate right now? guessing games
19. Krispy Kreme, Dunkin', or Timmy Ho's? Krispy Kreme all the way, baby!
20. How did you bring in the New Year? At my friend Gina's house playing board games and drinking wine
21. Where would you like to go? A better question is where wouldn't I?
22. Name three people who will complete this? no idea
23. Do you own slippers? no
24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? White
25. Do you like sleeping on Satin sheets? No - too slippery
26. Can you whistle? Yes
27. Favorite color? Yellow
28. Would you be a pirate? No - not a big fan of rotten teeth and scurvy
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don't
30. Favorite Girl's Name? Brynn
31. Favorite boy's name? Ethan
32. What's in your pocket right now? Nothing
33. Last thing that made you laugh? A comment from a friend on facebook.
34. Best bed sheets as a child? I don't remember my childhood besheets.
35. Worst injury you've ever had as a child? My neighbor stepped on my big toe and ripped the toenail off.
36. Do you love where you live? YES.
37. Revenge of the Nerds or Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Revenge of the Nerds
38. Who is your loudest friend? My SIL Terri :-)
39. How many dogs do you have? Zero
40. Does someone have a crush on you? I have no idea, but wish I knew if anyone did
41. What is your favorite book? Too many to choose from
42. What is your favorite candy? As long as it has chocolate and no coconut, I'm good.
43. Favorite Sports Team? Couldn't care less about sports.
44. What song do you want played at your funeral? Amazing Grace, Oh Love That Will Not Let Me Go

Vampires in Sweden? Who knew?

Last night I was trying to decide between going to bed early and watching a movie, and settled on the movie. I'd stumbled across what looked like an unusual and potentially interesting one on Netflix - a Swedish horror film called "Let the Right One In." It was available to watch instantly, so I got my fuzzy robe on and settled in to give it a try. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Wow, she spends her Saturday nights in a fuzzy bathrobe, watching movies with subtitles? This chick has got it goin' ON! I have GOT to hang out with her!" Get in line.

I'm a sucker for a good scary movie. And I'm fascinated by legends and myths of fairies, werewolves, vampires, and other things that "go bump in the night". The problem is, these kinds of stories have been told so many times it's hard to find one with a truly fresh and original perspective. (If anyone sitting here reading this is thinking, "Um, what about 'Twilight'? - smack yourself in the head. Hard.) Anyway, the cover art of this Swedish movie promised me "A vampire tale like no other" and said it would be "mesmerizing". Sounded cool to me.

Here's the lowdown: 12-year-old Oskar is an outcast, bullied by his classmates, with no friends and no one who understands him. Enter Eli, the girl who moves in next door with an older man one is led to believe is her grandfather or some other such relative. Oskar and Eli slowly become friends, and she helps Oskar stand up to the kids making his life miserable. Oh, yeah...along the way he finds out she's a vampire who's responsible (directly and indirectly) for several murders in and around their small village.

The movie itself felt like almost all of the other foreign films I've seen: plenty of silences, punctuated only by panoramic stretches of bleak and depressing landscapes. Characters who do nothing but stare off into space for inordinately long periods of time with vacant expressions on their faces. Characters who wear horrifically mismatched clothes and look like they cut their hair with a weed whacker. Tiny, cramped kitchens filled with dishes and utensils so old and dingy you'd think anyone eating off them would wind up in the hospital on a ventilator. But I digress...

What surprised me about this movie wasn't the movie itself, but the reviews on Netflix posted by other people. One in particular stood out to me: "It's a touching story about loneliness and falling in love with someone who fills the hole in your heart. I was moved beyond my ability to articulate it into words."

When I finished the movie I went back to Netflix and re-read this review and some of the others that echoed its sentiments. After I finished shaking my head in dumbfounded amazement, I checked myself in the mirror for a second head or something. Because "love story" was NOT what I took away from this movie AT ALL. I wondered if I was the only one who saw it differently - if maybe my overly-developed sense of cynicism had finally gotten the better of me.

When I looked at Eli, I didn't see a sweet, innocent "girl" who is merely lonely and looking for a friend who will accept her for who and what she is. I saw a manipulator and a user. By the end of the movie it becomes clear that the older man she lives with has been with her for a long, LONG time - perhaps since he was Oskar's age. He sacrifices himself to feed her hunger, and she watches him plummet to his death without the slightest trace of emotion on her face. I viewed her growing "friendship" with Oskar as nothing more than a screening process - a way for her to figure out if he would be a suitable replacement for the man who, up until he almost got caught, had taken care of her and done all her dirty work. Eli's encouraging Oskar to stand up to the bullies at his school seemed like "priming the pump" of his latent violent tendencies. She would need Oskar to find and dispatch victims for her, just as the old man had before him. Why should she risk getting caught when she can manipulate someone else into committing murder for her? The one and only time she gets upset at someone's death is when she's forced to do the deed herself because the old man screwed up.

I was completely floored that the reviewers chose to overlook the obvious signs of sociopathy and narcissism in these characters. If people think "Let The Right One In" is a love story, then I sure would like to know what their definition of a dysfunctional relationship is!

Though the more important question probably is, why did I spend all this time blogging about an obscure, mediocre foreign film that no one else I know will probably ever see? I guess I'm just cool like that.