I Kissed Internet Dating Goodbye

I give up. On internet dating, that is.

I've read all the articles, even a couple of books, that dispense advice on how to attract the type of person you're looking for online and repel the ones you're not. I took notes, followed the suggestions to the letter (and for the most part they are good suggestions) but in my experience they just don't work in the real world.

I have friends who have met their spouses (or soon-to-be spouses) online, and I couldn't be happier for them. Maybe they have more patience than I do...in fact, that's a distinct possibility :-). Myself, I am dog-tired of being emailed and "winked" at by men with whom I have no more in common than a duck-billed platypus (like the guy who "rides to live and lives to ride" his Harley - how much time do you wanna bet he spent actually READING what I'd taken the time to write?). It's insulting. And I am equally dog-tired of the men I have taken the initiative and sent a brief "hello" email to blatantly ignoring me.

Overall, my internet dating experience leads me to believe that cyberspace has become the new corner bar - a place where 99.99% of the people there aren't looking for REAL love and commitment, but something that's much more likely to land them at the free clinic.

Good luck to all of you out there still giving internet dating the old college try, but I think I'll go back to the old-fashioned way from here on out. It may drastically lower the sheer number of men I come into contact with, but I'll trade volume for quality any day of the week.

Love Songs (guys, feel free to zone out now)

I was thinking earlier today about some of my favorite love songs. I don't know what prompted this train of thought - maybe the longings, frustrations, disappointments, and general wackiness I've experienced so far in my return to the dating scene. Or maybe I've just seen one to many chick flicks lately.

Some of them are what everyone would recognize as a love song, some maybe not. Some deal with love between friends, some with the anguish that comes when love dies or is dying, some with God's love for us and our response to it. The list is eclectic, to say the least. Here's a sample of what rattled around in my head when I thumbed through my cd's and my iPod earlier today:

"In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel. This would have to be my number-one pick. And since I wrote a whole blog post devoted solely to this song, I won't bore you by babbling on about it here.

"Come Talk to Me" by Peter Gabriel. This song perfectly expresses the pain and frustration we feel when our loved one would rather retreat into a corner and let the relationship die than communicate with us and move towards healing. His vocals are so moving and powerful, they hit me dead-center whenever I listen to this one.

"She's a Rainbow" by The Rolling Stones. I just love this quirky, disjointed, sweet song. And that piano riff can always put a smile on my face. "Have you seen her all in gold?/Like a queen in days of old/Spinning colors all around/Like a sunset going down/Have you seen a lady fairer?" ... what woman wouldn't want to be described like that?

"Thank You" by Led Zeppelin. Zep rules. And so does this song. Enough said. :-)

"For Elise" by Beethoven. I know there are no words to this piece, but it strikes me as a love song all the same. When I listen to it and pay attention to the changes, I can almost see this woman's essence - her stately beauty, her laugh, even the way she dances. This man's talent is so incredible it's almost scary.

"Next To You" by The Police. I used to listen to this song all the time in college when I was in a long-distance relationship, head-over-heels for the guy and heartsick that I couldn't see him but once every few months. "What can I do?/All I want is to be next to you"...yeah, that was me.

"When I Think Of You" by Janet Jackson. This song always makes me feel good when I hear it, and puts a spring in my step. I'm a fan of the "tortured" ballad (see "Come Talk To Me" above) but sometimes I just want to hear a love song where the person is so happy they can't help but sing about it. This one fits the bill perfectly.

"Closer" by Dido. Her voice is so freaky-good and so perfect for this song. "The closer you get/The better I feel/The closer you are/The more I see/Why everyone says/That I look happier/When you're around" - that to me is what being in love is like.

"Ain't No Other Man" by Christina Aguilera. Normally I can't stand her, but when this song came out I loved it the first time I heard it. It's perfect for her powerful voice, too - gutsy, brash, and utterly unapologetic. "Ain't no other man can stand up next to you/Ain't no other man on the planet does what you do"...How many guys would love for a woman to think of them when they listen to this song?

"Umbrella" by Rihanna. I know she's singing this song to a guy (hopefully NOT Chris Brown anymore!) but whenever I hear it I think of my friends. I think of the loyalty and strength they've shown me as they've walked with me through some of the worst crapstorms of my life, and how I would do exactly the same for them.

"Amazing Grace" by John Newton. There are so many tremendous hymns and praise songs that I could go on for pages and pages, but this one is and always will be my favorite. I would call it a love song because it beautifully expresses not only God's love for us (shown by the unfathomable gift of His grace) but our (albeit imperfect) love for Him and our gratitude towards Him that this love inspires.

What about you guys? What are some of your favorite love songs, and why?

Truth, Lies, and the Best Song of the Eighties

"love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes"

Joking references to John Cusack holding the boombox over his head in "Say Anything" aside, I think this song by Peter Gabriel is the most eloquent, touching, and powerful love song ever written. To me, it encapsulates how we feel when we truly love someone, why we work so hard to find and keep that kind of love, and why it hurts so much when love ends (for whatever reason). It perfectly describes the deep-seated need in all of us to have one special person we can be vulnerable with, and who will let us in, let us "touch the light, the heat" we see in their eyes.

As I was listening to this song the other day, something occurred to me: I've been lying to myself. When I decided I was ready to start dating again, I told myself that all I wanted was to meet people, go out, and have fun. I convinced myself that I didn't want anything more than that - after all, I've never really had a period in my life where I just "had fun" going out. I was always either in a relationship with someone, or alone. I told myself that I was completely okay with meeting someone, liking them, but just "dating" them with no intentions of moving in a more serious direction for who knew how long.

Well, I did meet someone, I did start to like them, and even though I knew it was nothing exclusive or serious, got hurt a little anyway when he turned out to be not who he said he was.

And then Peter Gabriel had to come along and slap me upside the head with his awesomeness. If I really didn't care, if in my heart of hearts I wasn't secretly wishing for the connection that is the "resolution to all the fruitless searches", then why was I upset when this guy dropped me like a hot potato to be with someone else? Hmmm... I guess I am just not wired to be one of those people who can "go out" with several different people at a time and not be serious about any of them. I'm not wired to "have fun" (okay that sounds bad, but if you've read this far without gagging yourself you get my meaning) but to want closeness, to want intimacy, to want exclusivity with someone. I finally understood that that is why, all my adult life, I've either been in a serious relationship or alone. For me, there's no in-between.

That's not to say that as soon as I meet someone, I'm picking out china patterns. Just that whenever I've dated someone I could usually tell early on if he was someone I wanted to get more serious about. And the ones I didn't feel that way towards, I stopped seeing, because in my mind what was the point of continuing?

So it feels good to stop trying to convince myself that I want something I really don't. And to not settle for less than I (and my children) deserve. Thanks for the unintended moment of clarity, Peter Gabriel. You rock, and you always will.

44 Things

44 ODD Things about you!
Learn 44 things about your friends, and let them learn 44 things about
you!

1. Do you like blue cheese? Love it
2. Have you ever been drunk? Yes
3. Do you own a gun? Duh, I'm from Texas - YES
4. What flavor of Kool Aid was your favorite? Never really liked Kool Aid
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? No
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Kind of gross and kind of good at the same time
7. Favorite Christmas movie? A Christmas Story
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee
9. Can you do push ups? Yes
10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My rings with Tyler & Sydney's birthstones in them
11. Favorite hobby? crochet
12. Do you have A.D.D.? Sometimes I think so
13. What's your favorite shoe? high heels, even though most of them hurt my feet; Converse All Star high tops are a close second
14. Middle name? Kathleen
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? I've got to pick up the girls in 45 minutes; I wonder what movie is next on my Netflix list; can't wait to go to karate tonight
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Coffee, diet soda, any flavor Naked juice
17. Current worry? whether I'm being lied to/played
18. Current hate right now? guessing games
19. Krispy Kreme, Dunkin', or Timmy Ho's? Krispy Kreme all the way, baby!
20. How did you bring in the New Year? At my friend Gina's house playing board games and drinking wine
21. Where would you like to go? A better question is where wouldn't I?
22. Name three people who will complete this? no idea
23. Do you own slippers? no
24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? White
25. Do you like sleeping on Satin sheets? No - too slippery
26. Can you whistle? Yes
27. Favorite color? Yellow
28. Would you be a pirate? No - not a big fan of rotten teeth and scurvy
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don't
30. Favorite Girl's Name? Brynn
31. Favorite boy's name? Ethan
32. What's in your pocket right now? Nothing
33. Last thing that made you laugh? A comment from a friend on facebook.
34. Best bed sheets as a child? I don't remember my childhood besheets.
35. Worst injury you've ever had as a child? My neighbor stepped on my big toe and ripped the toenail off.
36. Do you love where you live? YES.
37. Revenge of the Nerds or Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Revenge of the Nerds
38. Who is your loudest friend? My SIL Terri :-)
39. How many dogs do you have? Zero
40. Does someone have a crush on you? I have no idea, but wish I knew if anyone did
41. What is your favorite book? Too many to choose from
42. What is your favorite candy? As long as it has chocolate and no coconut, I'm good.
43. Favorite Sports Team? Couldn't care less about sports.
44. What song do you want played at your funeral? Amazing Grace, Oh Love That Will Not Let Me Go

Vampires in Sweden? Who knew?

Last night I was trying to decide between going to bed early and watching a movie, and settled on the movie. I'd stumbled across what looked like an unusual and potentially interesting one on Netflix - a Swedish horror film called "Let the Right One In." It was available to watch instantly, so I got my fuzzy robe on and settled in to give it a try. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Wow, she spends her Saturday nights in a fuzzy bathrobe, watching movies with subtitles? This chick has got it goin' ON! I have GOT to hang out with her!" Get in line.

I'm a sucker for a good scary movie. And I'm fascinated by legends and myths of fairies, werewolves, vampires, and other things that "go bump in the night". The problem is, these kinds of stories have been told so many times it's hard to find one with a truly fresh and original perspective. (If anyone sitting here reading this is thinking, "Um, what about 'Twilight'? - smack yourself in the head. Hard.) Anyway, the cover art of this Swedish movie promised me "A vampire tale like no other" and said it would be "mesmerizing". Sounded cool to me.

Here's the lowdown: 12-year-old Oskar is an outcast, bullied by his classmates, with no friends and no one who understands him. Enter Eli, the girl who moves in next door with an older man one is led to believe is her grandfather or some other such relative. Oskar and Eli slowly become friends, and she helps Oskar stand up to the kids making his life miserable. Oh, yeah...along the way he finds out she's a vampire who's responsible (directly and indirectly) for several murders in and around their small village.

The movie itself felt like almost all of the other foreign films I've seen: plenty of silences, punctuated only by panoramic stretches of bleak and depressing landscapes. Characters who do nothing but stare off into space for inordinately long periods of time with vacant expressions on their faces. Characters who wear horrifically mismatched clothes and look like they cut their hair with a weed whacker. Tiny, cramped kitchens filled with dishes and utensils so old and dingy you'd think anyone eating off them would wind up in the hospital on a ventilator. But I digress...

What surprised me about this movie wasn't the movie itself, but the reviews on Netflix posted by other people. One in particular stood out to me: "It's a touching story about loneliness and falling in love with someone who fills the hole in your heart. I was moved beyond my ability to articulate it into words."

When I finished the movie I went back to Netflix and re-read this review and some of the others that echoed its sentiments. After I finished shaking my head in dumbfounded amazement, I checked myself in the mirror for a second head or something. Because "love story" was NOT what I took away from this movie AT ALL. I wondered if I was the only one who saw it differently - if maybe my overly-developed sense of cynicism had finally gotten the better of me.

When I looked at Eli, I didn't see a sweet, innocent "girl" who is merely lonely and looking for a friend who will accept her for who and what she is. I saw a manipulator and a user. By the end of the movie it becomes clear that the older man she lives with has been with her for a long, LONG time - perhaps since he was Oskar's age. He sacrifices himself to feed her hunger, and she watches him plummet to his death without the slightest trace of emotion on her face. I viewed her growing "friendship" with Oskar as nothing more than a screening process - a way for her to figure out if he would be a suitable replacement for the man who, up until he almost got caught, had taken care of her and done all her dirty work. Eli's encouraging Oskar to stand up to the bullies at his school seemed like "priming the pump" of his latent violent tendencies. She would need Oskar to find and dispatch victims for her, just as the old man had before him. Why should she risk getting caught when she can manipulate someone else into committing murder for her? The one and only time she gets upset at someone's death is when she's forced to do the deed herself because the old man screwed up.

I was completely floored that the reviewers chose to overlook the obvious signs of sociopathy and narcissism in these characters. If people think "Let The Right One In" is a love story, then I sure would like to know what their definition of a dysfunctional relationship is!

Though the more important question probably is, why did I spend all this time blogging about an obscure, mediocre foreign film that no one else I know will probably ever see? I guess I'm just cool like that.

Cool Recipe

Here's a great recipe that my mom found in a newspaper article and sent to me. It combines two of my favorite food-related things: it's super-easy, and it's at least peripherally Greek. I hate to cook, so the easy part hooked me right away. And I'll eat anything that sounds like it comes from within 100 miles of the Mediterranean. It's got a touch of tanginess (thanks to some lemon juice and goat cheese) and the chickpeas give the texture some variety. It literally took me about ten minutes to make, and 8 of that was boiling the orzo. If you've never heard of orzo, it's not rice - it's a form of pasta made from wheat (sorry to my gluten-free friends, I haven't quite been able to make myself jump on the bandwagon yet) and you can find it in the spaghetti aisle. Though be warned - I had to look hard to find it. Anyway, here's the recipe; give it a try sometime for a nice change of pace and a cheap, easy side dish:

1.5 cups uncooked orzo

1/4 cup olive oil

3 tablespoons lemon juice

1 clove garlic, minced

15 oz can chickpeas, drained

2 tablespoons chopped fresh oregano

Salt and pepper to taste

5 oz log goat cheese, crumbled

Bring a large saucepan of lightly salted water to a boil. Add orzo and cook, stirring occasionally, until just tender (about 8 minutes). Drain the orzo and set aside. In a large bowl, whisk together the olive oil, lemon juice, and garlic. Add the chickpeas, orzo, and oregano. Toss to combine. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Gently stir in the goat cheese. *Can be served warm or at room temperature.

Outed by a Baby Elephant

I'm a total sap. For some of you this may come as a surprise, but the people reading this who know me well are probably thinking, "Well, DUH!" I cry at movies, TV shows, and even sometimes a commercial if it's cute and the time of the month is right.

So while Disney on Ice was great, and the girls had a wonderful time, there was a part of me that felt disappointed when my favorite Disney character did not make an appearance.

I wanted to see Dumbo, darn it!

I think Dumbo is just about the sweetest movie I've ever seen. And I knew instantly why I loved it so much. The two main figures in Dumbo's life, his mother and his little mouse friend, loved him instantly and unconditionally. Mrs. Jumbo didn't care a whit how big his ears were, she just recognized him for the gift from God that he was and accepted him just the way he came to her. And as a child who was mercilessly teased when I was younger, I've gotta love the way she put those snotty older elephants in their place when they made fun of her son. To me, she typifies God's love for us, His people. We come into the world misshapen, broken, and deformed by sin, and He chooses to love us anyway. He loves us no matter what we look like, what our talents or abilities are, and no matter what other people say or think. There's just about no more touching scene in the history of film than when Mrs. Jumbo gathers Dumbo against her trunk, gently rocks him, and sings, "Baby of Mine." It makes me cry. Every. Single. Time.

And the mouse (whose name escapes me right now - haven't had enough coffee, I guess. I think it might be Timothy, so I'll go with that.) offers Dumbo friendship with no expectations of anything in return. He gives support, encouragement, and company when no one else wanted anything to do with him. Now THAT'S my definition of a true friend.

In contrast to that, I'm reminded of Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, a story I've always disliked, even when I was little. The song gives it away: "THEN how the reindeer loved him..." The other reindeer only started being nice to Rudolph after he did something for them, after he made their life more convenient in some way. I never understood why other kids and adults seemed to love that song so much. I guess my cynicism was born at a truly early age! I never liked any of those "other reindeer" because even at 5 years old, I knew their friendship wasn't genuine. As soon as Rudolph stopped being useful, I thought they'd all drop him like a hot potato.

But not Timothy. Dumbo was of no use to him whatsoever. Indeed, he was probably a hindrance if Timothy had been concerned about "getting along" with everyone else. That's the only kind of friend worth having, in my book.

I'm glad that Disney never made a "Dumbo II". (Or if they have, that I've never heard of it.) I think that would ruin the tenderness and wonder of this deceptively simple story.

I wonder if I can get "Baby of Mine" on my iPod? *Sniff, sniff...*