Just Because I Haven't Said Anything to Offend Anyone Yet Today

Boy, I'm probably going to be stepping in it with this post. Because on this issue, everyone seems to have an opinion - a STRONG opinion - one way or the other. And that would include me. I hope my comments come across as less sanctimonious/reactionary than the decidedly un-Christian things I've heard said in recent days.

I'm talking about Ted Haggard. Specifically, about he and his wife establishing a new church here in Colorado Springs. The two of them were interviewed on KVOR this morning, and it was an interview that made me sit up and pay attention.

I'll be the first to admit, the Bible states very clearly that no one but God Himself knows what's truly in another person's heart. And I'm in no way meaning to come off as more holy, more noble, or more deserving of God's grace than another person. But several things were said (and left unsaid) in the interview that have been nagging at me all day.

I don't question Mr. Haggard's desire to return to preaching or help hurting people, but I do seriously question his spiritual readiness to do so. Throughout the interview, he made frequent references to his "mistakes" and that he was "sorry" for what he had done, for hurting his family and nearly tearing his church apart. That's all fine and good, and he should be sorry for those things. Sorry BIG TIME. But he never acknowledged his actions as "sins" or "sinful", and never at any point did he mention that he had confessed those sins to God or repented of them. I don't remember either of those two words being uttered once in the entire interview, and that bothers me. There's a big difference between being sorry for your sins and repenting of them. I know - I catch myself blurring that line (or trying to) on a frequent basis.

James 3:1 says, "Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness." And that's exactly the problem - Ted Haggard was a teacher of God's Word. Since he is held to a higher standard than the general population, it's all the more important that he emphasize things like genuine repentance from sin when he messes up. I just didn't get that from him. I also found it ironic that he named his new church (meeting at his home) St. James Church, because of the book of James's "loving support" for people who have messed up. Um, excuse me, but has he READ the book of James lately?

Maybe this is the Presbyterian in me, but I'm concerned about his return to the pulpit in large part because said return seems to be largely determined by Ted Haggard and Ted Haggard alone. He's apparently "decided" that he's been in the doghouse long enough. Where is the oversight? Is he in any kind of accountability group or under the authority of men who can vouch for his spiritual renewal following such a tremendous fall? Shouldn't there be some hoops for him to jump through?

At one point, the interviewer (I think it was Jeff Crank) asked him basically point-blank about whether Haggard thinks the existence of evil played any role in Haggard succumbing to temptation. I wish I could remember the exact wording of the question, because it was brilliant. He was handing Haggard the opportunity to share the gospel on a silver platter, and Haggard didn't take advantage of it. No mention was made about Christ paying for our sins with his blood on the cross. In fact, he skirted the issue. I have to wonder what kind of pastor wouldn't use every opportunity he could (especially one like a radio interview that reaches tens of thousands of people) to spread the gospel - after all, that's his JOB.

Okay, I'd better stop while I have my foot inserted only halfway into my mouth. I'm trying really hard not to cross the line between a careful discerner of someone's actions and words, and a holier-than-thou busybody who thinks I've got someone I don't even know all figured out.

What's your opinion of Ted Haggard's return to the pulpit?

The Dumbest Thing Said to Me in Recent Memory, and What I Learned from It

So here's an excerpt from the email that put the proverbial nail in the internet dating coffin for me (I promise this will be the last time I complain about internet dating, and my story does have a larger purpose than just to criticize this guy):

"Karate, huh? You'll never get a man to marry you if he thinks you can beat him up. LOL"

Ha ha. Hee hee. Ho ho. Ha. Ha. Haaaaa.

After I picked myself up off the floor and the debilitating stomach cramps from my rounds of raucous laughter at his incredibly witty comment had subsided, I started to get angry. I read his comment again, saying to myself, "Oh, no, he di-in't!" If I remember right, there might've even been a little head- and finger-wagging to go along with it. In my head, I was ranting to this clueless idiot how if a man can't handle a woman learning how to defend herself and her children then he's no man at all and he can just take his stupid comment and shove it up-

But then it occurred to me...didn't me being pissed off at this guy mean that, at least on some level, I cared what he thought of me? That I felt like I had to justify myself to a complete and total stranger, even if it was only in my head? Nah, it couldn't mean that...COULD IT?

The thought sent a chill down my spine, and got me wondering how many times I've been guilty of stifling myself (sorry, just had an Archie Bunker flashback for a second) because of fear of what other people might say or think of me. Some of the results aren't pretty (but they are pretty pathetic):

The shoes that are so hideously ugly I think they're cool, that I wore once and then hid them in the back of my closet because a couple of people looked at them funny.

I love to sing along with the radio in my car and tap out the beat on my steering wheel, but I won't do it at a stoplight because I don't want the people in the cars next to me to think I'm a wacko.

I don't like telling people who aren't very close friends what my book/short story ideas are about, because I'm afraid they'll think I'm a SERIOUS wacko.

My instinctive tendency when I see people looking at me for more than a second or two to think, "What? OMGosh, do I have something in my teeth? Did I suddenly become hideously disfigured on my way here from the car? Did I grow a camel hump on my back? It's got to be something bad, otherwise why is that person LOOKING at me?"

Blah blah blah...you get the point. As much as I hate to admit it, Idiot Internet Guy brought a muddy issue into sharp focus for me. For that, I guess I should thank him. *Ahem* "Thanks a lot, you-"

I care too much about what people think. Specifically, I care too much about what people think regarding things that SHOULDN'T MATTER AT ALL. Of course I should care whether I just stomped on someone's feelings like I did to the spider I once found in my bathtub, or whether I'm backsliding into sin quicker than Picabo Street slaloms down the side of a mountain (insert worried fidgeting that people will find my name-dropping pretentious). But what I look like while I'm singing in the car, whether my enjoyment of karate really is a turn-off to men, whether my lipstick is too red, etc, etc - are those things really worth hanging my hat on?

The last time I checked, there was no 11th commandment in the Bible that reads, "Thou shalt not wear Doc Marten mary janes with tiny pink and purple flowers on them." And I'm pretty sure that His opinion is the only one that really matters in the end.

I Kissed Internet Dating Goodbye

I give up. On internet dating, that is.

I've read all the articles, even a couple of books, that dispense advice on how to attract the type of person you're looking for online and repel the ones you're not. I took notes, followed the suggestions to the letter (and for the most part they are good suggestions) but in my experience they just don't work in the real world.

I have friends who have met their spouses (or soon-to-be spouses) online, and I couldn't be happier for them. Maybe they have more patience than I do...in fact, that's a distinct possibility :-). Myself, I am dog-tired of being emailed and "winked" at by men with whom I have no more in common than a duck-billed platypus (like the guy who "rides to live and lives to ride" his Harley - how much time do you wanna bet he spent actually READING what I'd taken the time to write?). It's insulting. And I am equally dog-tired of the men I have taken the initiative and sent a brief "hello" email to blatantly ignoring me.

Overall, my internet dating experience leads me to believe that cyberspace has become the new corner bar - a place where 99.99% of the people there aren't looking for REAL love and commitment, but something that's much more likely to land them at the free clinic.

Good luck to all of you out there still giving internet dating the old college try, but I think I'll go back to the old-fashioned way from here on out. It may drastically lower the sheer number of men I come into contact with, but I'll trade volume for quality any day of the week.

Love Songs (guys, feel free to zone out now)

I was thinking earlier today about some of my favorite love songs. I don't know what prompted this train of thought - maybe the longings, frustrations, disappointments, and general wackiness I've experienced so far in my return to the dating scene. Or maybe I've just seen one to many chick flicks lately.

Some of them are what everyone would recognize as a love song, some maybe not. Some deal with love between friends, some with the anguish that comes when love dies or is dying, some with God's love for us and our response to it. The list is eclectic, to say the least. Here's a sample of what rattled around in my head when I thumbed through my cd's and my iPod earlier today:

"In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel. This would have to be my number-one pick. And since I wrote a whole blog post devoted solely to this song, I won't bore you by babbling on about it here.

"Come Talk to Me" by Peter Gabriel. This song perfectly expresses the pain and frustration we feel when our loved one would rather retreat into a corner and let the relationship die than communicate with us and move towards healing. His vocals are so moving and powerful, they hit me dead-center whenever I listen to this one.

"She's a Rainbow" by The Rolling Stones. I just love this quirky, disjointed, sweet song. And that piano riff can always put a smile on my face. "Have you seen her all in gold?/Like a queen in days of old/Spinning colors all around/Like a sunset going down/Have you seen a lady fairer?" ... what woman wouldn't want to be described like that?

"Thank You" by Led Zeppelin. Zep rules. And so does this song. Enough said. :-)

"For Elise" by Beethoven. I know there are no words to this piece, but it strikes me as a love song all the same. When I listen to it and pay attention to the changes, I can almost see this woman's essence - her stately beauty, her laugh, even the way she dances. This man's talent is so incredible it's almost scary.

"Next To You" by The Police. I used to listen to this song all the time in college when I was in a long-distance relationship, head-over-heels for the guy and heartsick that I couldn't see him but once every few months. "What can I do?/All I want is to be next to you"...yeah, that was me.

"When I Think Of You" by Janet Jackson. This song always makes me feel good when I hear it, and puts a spring in my step. I'm a fan of the "tortured" ballad (see "Come Talk To Me" above) but sometimes I just want to hear a love song where the person is so happy they can't help but sing about it. This one fits the bill perfectly.

"Closer" by Dido. Her voice is so freaky-good and so perfect for this song. "The closer you get/The better I feel/The closer you are/The more I see/Why everyone says/That I look happier/When you're around" - that to me is what being in love is like.

"Ain't No Other Man" by Christina Aguilera. Normally I can't stand her, but when this song came out I loved it the first time I heard it. It's perfect for her powerful voice, too - gutsy, brash, and utterly unapologetic. "Ain't no other man can stand up next to you/Ain't no other man on the planet does what you do"...How many guys would love for a woman to think of them when they listen to this song?

"Umbrella" by Rihanna. I know she's singing this song to a guy (hopefully NOT Chris Brown anymore!) but whenever I hear it I think of my friends. I think of the loyalty and strength they've shown me as they've walked with me through some of the worst crapstorms of my life, and how I would do exactly the same for them.

"Amazing Grace" by John Newton. There are so many tremendous hymns and praise songs that I could go on for pages and pages, but this one is and always will be my favorite. I would call it a love song because it beautifully expresses not only God's love for us (shown by the unfathomable gift of His grace) but our (albeit imperfect) love for Him and our gratitude towards Him that this love inspires.

What about you guys? What are some of your favorite love songs, and why?

Truth, Lies, and the Best Song of the Eighties

"love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes"

Joking references to John Cusack holding the boombox over his head in "Say Anything" aside, I think this song by Peter Gabriel is the most eloquent, touching, and powerful love song ever written. To me, it encapsulates how we feel when we truly love someone, why we work so hard to find and keep that kind of love, and why it hurts so much when love ends (for whatever reason). It perfectly describes the deep-seated need in all of us to have one special person we can be vulnerable with, and who will let us in, let us "touch the light, the heat" we see in their eyes.

As I was listening to this song the other day, something occurred to me: I've been lying to myself. When I decided I was ready to start dating again, I told myself that all I wanted was to meet people, go out, and have fun. I convinced myself that I didn't want anything more than that - after all, I've never really had a period in my life where I just "had fun" going out. I was always either in a relationship with someone, or alone. I told myself that I was completely okay with meeting someone, liking them, but just "dating" them with no intentions of moving in a more serious direction for who knew how long.

Well, I did meet someone, I did start to like them, and even though I knew it was nothing exclusive or serious, got hurt a little anyway when he turned out to be not who he said he was.

And then Peter Gabriel had to come along and slap me upside the head with his awesomeness. If I really didn't care, if in my heart of hearts I wasn't secretly wishing for the connection that is the "resolution to all the fruitless searches", then why was I upset when this guy dropped me like a hot potato to be with someone else? Hmmm... I guess I am just not wired to be one of those people who can "go out" with several different people at a time and not be serious about any of them. I'm not wired to "have fun" (okay that sounds bad, but if you've read this far without gagging yourself you get my meaning) but to want closeness, to want intimacy, to want exclusivity with someone. I finally understood that that is why, all my adult life, I've either been in a serious relationship or alone. For me, there's no in-between.

That's not to say that as soon as I meet someone, I'm picking out china patterns. Just that whenever I've dated someone I could usually tell early on if he was someone I wanted to get more serious about. And the ones I didn't feel that way towards, I stopped seeing, because in my mind what was the point of continuing?

So it feels good to stop trying to convince myself that I want something I really don't. And to not settle for less than I (and my children) deserve. Thanks for the unintended moment of clarity, Peter Gabriel. You rock, and you always will.

44 Things

44 ODD Things about you!
Learn 44 things about your friends, and let them learn 44 things about
you!

1. Do you like blue cheese? Love it
2. Have you ever been drunk? Yes
3. Do you own a gun? Duh, I'm from Texas - YES
4. What flavor of Kool Aid was your favorite? Never really liked Kool Aid
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? No
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Kind of gross and kind of good at the same time
7. Favorite Christmas movie? A Christmas Story
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee
9. Can you do push ups? Yes
10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My rings with Tyler & Sydney's birthstones in them
11. Favorite hobby? crochet
12. Do you have A.D.D.? Sometimes I think so
13. What's your favorite shoe? high heels, even though most of them hurt my feet; Converse All Star high tops are a close second
14. Middle name? Kathleen
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? I've got to pick up the girls in 45 minutes; I wonder what movie is next on my Netflix list; can't wait to go to karate tonight
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Coffee, diet soda, any flavor Naked juice
17. Current worry? whether I'm being lied to/played
18. Current hate right now? guessing games
19. Krispy Kreme, Dunkin', or Timmy Ho's? Krispy Kreme all the way, baby!
20. How did you bring in the New Year? At my friend Gina's house playing board games and drinking wine
21. Where would you like to go? A better question is where wouldn't I?
22. Name three people who will complete this? no idea
23. Do you own slippers? no
24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? White
25. Do you like sleeping on Satin sheets? No - too slippery
26. Can you whistle? Yes
27. Favorite color? Yellow
28. Would you be a pirate? No - not a big fan of rotten teeth and scurvy
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don't
30. Favorite Girl's Name? Brynn
31. Favorite boy's name? Ethan
32. What's in your pocket right now? Nothing
33. Last thing that made you laugh? A comment from a friend on facebook.
34. Best bed sheets as a child? I don't remember my childhood besheets.
35. Worst injury you've ever had as a child? My neighbor stepped on my big toe and ripped the toenail off.
36. Do you love where you live? YES.
37. Revenge of the Nerds or Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Revenge of the Nerds
38. Who is your loudest friend? My SIL Terri :-)
39. How many dogs do you have? Zero
40. Does someone have a crush on you? I have no idea, but wish I knew if anyone did
41. What is your favorite book? Too many to choose from
42. What is your favorite candy? As long as it has chocolate and no coconut, I'm good.
43. Favorite Sports Team? Couldn't care less about sports.
44. What song do you want played at your funeral? Amazing Grace, Oh Love That Will Not Let Me Go

Vampires in Sweden? Who knew?

Last night I was trying to decide between going to bed early and watching a movie, and settled on the movie. I'd stumbled across what looked like an unusual and potentially interesting one on Netflix - a Swedish horror film called "Let the Right One In." It was available to watch instantly, so I got my fuzzy robe on and settled in to give it a try. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Wow, she spends her Saturday nights in a fuzzy bathrobe, watching movies with subtitles? This chick has got it goin' ON! I have GOT to hang out with her!" Get in line.

I'm a sucker for a good scary movie. And I'm fascinated by legends and myths of fairies, werewolves, vampires, and other things that "go bump in the night". The problem is, these kinds of stories have been told so many times it's hard to find one with a truly fresh and original perspective. (If anyone sitting here reading this is thinking, "Um, what about 'Twilight'? - smack yourself in the head. Hard.) Anyway, the cover art of this Swedish movie promised me "A vampire tale like no other" and said it would be "mesmerizing". Sounded cool to me.

Here's the lowdown: 12-year-old Oskar is an outcast, bullied by his classmates, with no friends and no one who understands him. Enter Eli, the girl who moves in next door with an older man one is led to believe is her grandfather or some other such relative. Oskar and Eli slowly become friends, and she helps Oskar stand up to the kids making his life miserable. Oh, yeah...along the way he finds out she's a vampire who's responsible (directly and indirectly) for several murders in and around their small village.

The movie itself felt like almost all of the other foreign films I've seen: plenty of silences, punctuated only by panoramic stretches of bleak and depressing landscapes. Characters who do nothing but stare off into space for inordinately long periods of time with vacant expressions on their faces. Characters who wear horrifically mismatched clothes and look like they cut their hair with a weed whacker. Tiny, cramped kitchens filled with dishes and utensils so old and dingy you'd think anyone eating off them would wind up in the hospital on a ventilator. But I digress...

What surprised me about this movie wasn't the movie itself, but the reviews on Netflix posted by other people. One in particular stood out to me: "It's a touching story about loneliness and falling in love with someone who fills the hole in your heart. I was moved beyond my ability to articulate it into words."

When I finished the movie I went back to Netflix and re-read this review and some of the others that echoed its sentiments. After I finished shaking my head in dumbfounded amazement, I checked myself in the mirror for a second head or something. Because "love story" was NOT what I took away from this movie AT ALL. I wondered if I was the only one who saw it differently - if maybe my overly-developed sense of cynicism had finally gotten the better of me.

When I looked at Eli, I didn't see a sweet, innocent "girl" who is merely lonely and looking for a friend who will accept her for who and what she is. I saw a manipulator and a user. By the end of the movie it becomes clear that the older man she lives with has been with her for a long, LONG time - perhaps since he was Oskar's age. He sacrifices himself to feed her hunger, and she watches him plummet to his death without the slightest trace of emotion on her face. I viewed her growing "friendship" with Oskar as nothing more than a screening process - a way for her to figure out if he would be a suitable replacement for the man who, up until he almost got caught, had taken care of her and done all her dirty work. Eli's encouraging Oskar to stand up to the bullies at his school seemed like "priming the pump" of his latent violent tendencies. She would need Oskar to find and dispatch victims for her, just as the old man had before him. Why should she risk getting caught when she can manipulate someone else into committing murder for her? The one and only time she gets upset at someone's death is when she's forced to do the deed herself because the old man screwed up.

I was completely floored that the reviewers chose to overlook the obvious signs of sociopathy and narcissism in these characters. If people think "Let The Right One In" is a love story, then I sure would like to know what their definition of a dysfunctional relationship is!

Though the more important question probably is, why did I spend all this time blogging about an obscure, mediocre foreign film that no one else I know will probably ever see? I guess I'm just cool like that.